Huck and I broke up. Yup. We sure did.
Is it weird to be blogging about this? To take something so personal and throw it out there? Do you guys even remember Huck from The Dinz or the advice shows? Do you give a crap? In fact, is anyone even reading this?
I guess I felt that because I do advice shows and talk to people about their roadblocks on the highway of life, it felt weird not to acknowledge my own. That said, there's not too much I can actually share. I would LOVE to give you every little gritty detail about our doomed attempt at romance, if for no other reason than to allow my wisdom to save you and your partner from a similar fate, but unfortunately, it's not just my story. It's his too, and I think he'd rather keep the details between us.
What I can speak to, however, is where I'm at now. By myself. Alone. With that bittersweet combo of loneliness and freedom. And I'm coming to realize something that should have been obvious. I was always alone.
It's not that Huck wasn't there for me and wasn't an incredible boyfriend that I was lucky to have. The fact is, it was always my choice to participate in that relationship. He would never be able to think from my brain and I would never be able to think from his. I was so excited with the idea that I was no longer alone that I forgot to think like an individual! We were always going to be two individuals, both on our own path, and it just so happened that those paths crossed for a little while. Just not for as long as we had expected.
The plans that we had are now not going to happen. Or more to the point - they were
never going to happen. If you realize that you're in a relationship of two separate individuals and you're not really the solo unit that your friends might perceive you to be, you finally realize how little you can depend on plans as a couple. The point is, the feeling I have now is that I "lost" these plans, but if they didn't happen, what did I really lose? Making plans is fine - making a plan is practical and gives you something to work for. But you have to be careful about how much you have emotionally invested in a plan. Sure, make plans, but not expectations.
I think that losing yourself in a relationship is dangerous to you and your partner. Always remember that you are alone - and that's not knowledge to depress yourself with, it's knowledge to empower yourself with. You should never feel like you're not free to leave a relationship - you should feel that you are free to stay in it. And allow the future to continue its pesky habit of being a mystery.
